They say you can’t keep something you never had. That if you do not miss it, it did not touch heart. Moments are but fleeting in nature. It is the memories that stay. If reminiscing does not move you, it only implies that traces of remembrances have been eroded. Your mind does not have enough space for so much. There is only so much love that the heart can give. It is an essential bodily organ after all. It can’t keep aching and hurting. Sometimes, the heart does not break. It strengthens and shields itself before being exposed to any possible harm. Other times, it mends. Healing comes, sometimes easier and quicker. So you learn to forget and let go and start afresh. Love again and live anew.
She liked to believe that her mother’s death had been a traumatic incident that she had eventually overcome. At the age of two, she did not quite understand that the disease she was fighting was a fatal one. Heck she did not even understand what fatal meant. Visits to the hospital seemed as regular as her play school. When finally her father asked her to kiss her mom goodbye, she was told that her mother was now going for a slumber party with the angels. Apparently all of them loved each other’s company so much, that they never parted ways and her mother chose not to come back home. She remembered feeling jealous. She was not even allowed to stay at her friend’s house for more than a few hours and her mother was going on parties for eternity. Her heart would fill up with rage as she would protest against her father’s decision to go to bed at just ten when her mother was probably not even sleeping at night. Moreover, she was protected from the monsters by God’s messengers. She hated brushing, taking a bath and getting dressed for school in time. Her mother was not following a routine there. You only play games and eat good food and win gifts in parties. So every time she thought about her mother’s death and how it affected her, she remembered envy, anger, dislike. It wasn’t a traumatic incident that she overcame. It was a luckier human she stopped comparing herself to.
Today she was twenty seven and as she thought, her mind treaded on a daughter’s memoir. She wished she missed her mom, but she did not. Her father had made her strong enough from the start to face such a loss without even realizing that it is a loss. Her mother, completely aware of what was coming, kept away. For most of her memory, her mother had been sick and bed-ridden. Her father had been her sole for all these years. He was her rainbow after the rain, her sunscreen in the summer, her blanket in the cold, her filter in the dirt and her desert in the floods. Feeling of heartlessness and insensitivity struck her at times, when she tried to recall her mother. Apart from a smiling face and tired eyes, she could not really recollect any of her mother’s traits. This, and on the other hand she could name her father’s favourite smell to his favourite movie and even the whereabouts of his crying spots. It was two years of kissing her mother a good night as against twenty seven years of living with a man whose life revolved around her. Grief and misery are emotions she never felt as she tried imagining a life with both her parents. It seemed unimaginable to say the least. For parts that she could imagine, the pictures did not please her. Somehow, there was nothing odd about her father combing her hair or cutting her nails. He seemed to have the perfect choice of clothes, bags and accessories for her. He fit in the kitchen cooking at least one meal for her per day. She grew up to be as feminine as she wanted to be. Not a tomboy, neither a Barbie. Her father had taught her lessons in values, ethics and morals along with the significance of practicality, prioritizing and reasonableness. She knew how essential it was to be physically strong while applying paint on her nails. Her father ensured her mind was set with notions of right and wrong as soon as she was old enough to make sense out the words and how they fit into the real world. Every step of the way, she was as ready as the world needed her to be.
Today she was twenty seven and ready to take on a new life. She was ready to marry the love of her life and begin a new chapter with him. As she went back into time, every little memory made her utter a word of gratitude towards her father. They say you can’t keep something that you never had. The reason why she never had her mother in her heart was the reason why her father would never slip away from her mind for even a fraction of a second. He was her life and all that her heart cared for, for the longest time and she would miss him beyond measure. Fainting moments, the memories would stay. With all the love that her heart would give, it would ache in her father’s remembrance and the distance they would have. She would learn to love again and live anew. And as her mind will make space for new affairs, she knew the sanctity of her father’s sacred space would remain untouched there. Healing would come, but she would always cry and miss her father. With all the strength that she possessed, she knew she would never grow out of being her daddy’s little girl and that she would embark this new journey but with an incomplete stride, a space only her father shall fill in. She was just a girl and this, a daughter’s memoir.