That Girl

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There’s this girl I know. She’s not like the others, no. But that doesn’t mean she’s special. She’s just different. However, like the others, she’s had a shaky past, one filled with moments that define her present and most probably, her future. But she keeps that all hidden under that hard exterior of hers where she doesn’t let anyone know what she’s thinking or feeling. Privacy is very important to her and she believes that her very purpose of existence is to make people smile for as long as she’s around them. She doesn’t see the need to let them know her innermost thoughts and fears. They have their own anyway. No one has the time to care and she certainly doesn’t need empathy or sympathy.

 

Then there’s this crazy little head of hers that’s running wild with unanswerable questions like stuff about the significance of life and the various ways of death as well as the journey in between. A part of her wants to be remembered as the girl who wanted to achieve something with her life. The other part of her wants to let life take her wherever it wants to. But between the battles of the two, the former always wins and she ends up doing whatever is the right thing to do as opposed to what the happy thing really is. Sometimes, what’s right also makes her happy but other times, she has to pick between the two and she ends up making a choice that makes her feel like the other may be better. But then, it’s almost always too late to look back. But she doesn’t dwell on that. She doesn’t dwell on anything.

 

Marriage. The very word terrifies her. She doesn’t understand the point of it. The rational side of her, the one that openly dominates her emotions, very practically believes that everything must end someday and a marriage is of no exception. She thinks that after a point, it’s no longer about love but about a lifetime of compromise. She’s not very comfortable with that idea and wants to live without regrets. That, she believes, will only be achieved with live-in relationships. She knows that most of India is not ready for an idea like that but that doesn’t make her like it any less. Separation is much more hassle-free than divorce. It’s a quote she lives her life by; always feeling like the need to constantly please someone is not possible by her. Then there’s this disorder of hers. She dislikes anyone’s presence for longer than a few hours at a stretch and that makes her wonder how she’ll spend her life with a certain someone.

 

Then there’s money. She wants a lot of money. Enough to make the people who matter the most, happy. She knows money doesn’t bring happiness but also that poverty doesn’t either. She’s never been poor, no, but she’s never been rich either. It makes her selfish, this need to have the money to afford luxuries. But the selfless fact is that none of these luxuries are for her. They’re almost always for someone else. She doesn’t hope for much. But she needs the money for her retirement plans. There’s one thing she wants more than anything else in the world and she’s afraid that if she says it out loud, it won’t happen for her. So she’s just waiting to have enough money to do it and then talk all about it.

 

Sex. It’s not a taboo word. It’s far from that. It’s a word that aptly describes physical pleasure; the kind that she doesn’t believe has to happen only after marriage. She thinks that’s a backward thought and doesn’t wish to abide by it. No, in fact, she refuses to. But that doesn’t mean she’s easy. She won’t sleep with everyone she sees. In fact, she’s almost impossible to please. Her head is often in the clouds but her expectations of a man are realistic and not in the least bit superficial. She wants someone who will be able to challenge her intellectually and tickle her senses. She wants a man who is sarcastic and humorous as well as gutsy and charming. He needs to be a flirt and know how to get any woman he wants. That’s the kind of
person she wants. One who’ll constantly keep her on her toes. One she can respect.

 

Looks aren’t important to her. She won’t judge anyone she sees. Not for their looks or their intelligence. She’ll look at strangers passing by and make comments in her head, but like the rest, she won’t voice them. She doesn’t think it’s fair for someone to be made fun of for anything other than his character. That, in the end, according to her, is all that matters.

 

She’s silly and quirky with an odd sense of humour and the desperate need to entertain everyone she sees. Their laughter makes her want to live longer and it brings a smile on her own face that she believes is full of deformities. The only one thing about her that she loves is her left-handedness. It’s the thing she’s grown to love because everyone around her has always hated her for it. She prefers to think they’re jealous because they’re the 90% of the world while she constitutes the 10%. Like I said, she’s different and it’s a thing she loves the most to be.

 

This is the story of a girl who lets herself dream but doesn’t always hope for her dreams to turn into reality. She’s a girl who doesn’t let herself hope because she’s terrified that if that hope fails, she’ll have to let others see how upset she is. It’s the thing she doesn’t want the most. For people to know who she is.

This girl?

She’s me.

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