Of Heartbreaks and Triumphs– This Too, Shall Pass

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The scars came as fresh as they could. The wounds stung her with the same intensity that they used to, or may be even more. As she sat there staring at the sun set, she felt her heart sinking deeper and deeper with grief, sorrow and gloom. It was a feeling she couldn’t understand. She couldn’t quite figure out why her mind chose to wander off to that chapter of her life on this day, two years later. This was uncommon. Not being on guard and in control of her emotions did not ever come easily to her. Probably that is why the times they had together could be described as “hard”, in the very least. She revered her independence. The thought of someone else holding the reigns to even the smallest aspects of her life made her shiver with disgust. The simple idea that another person had an insight into her mind never quite appealed to her. The mere suspect that someone else could make her laugh at a time when she needed it and was aware of his/her potential, filled her with rage and anger. She had a lot of friends. Social was something she loved being. But it wasn’t about her, it would be about them. Very discreetly, she would keep her life under wraps, feelings and emotions fenced within self-imposed boundaries. As enclosed as that sounded, she liked it that way and for all that it was worth, she wasn’t even willing to change it. She was secure and happy about it. There was her family, her mother, father and sister and she was extremely close to each one of them. Contrary to what all her friends chose to believe, she never truly opened up to anyone about her deepest faiths, except those three. It was a world she had created for herself and had no qualms about its consequences and entailing.

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It was only on days like these, however that she had second thoughts about who she was. On days like these, when old lesions would burn again, she could not help but feel frustrated with the uncertainties that would haunt her head and heart. On days like these, battles and struggles would come back to memory and every suffering would be remembered. On days like these, she would be troubled by thoughts of self-doubt, a misgiving that was never normally among her concerns. On this day, she was reminded of her past relationship; a time when she had allowed another person to have a peek into her life and showed, if only partially, the path through her fence. She let down her guard and she let him in. Never enough to let him completely in, but enough to put him in a position from where he could dictate her happiness and make her day. It didn’t last long however. Fate knew it wouldn’t. One incident when he made her smile was more than sufficient to set her alarms ringing and she decided it was time to stop before matters got worse and more out of hand. To come down to it, she was at her point of disgust, where the feeling of a daunted independence, incomplete in its entirety, had started to creep in. She reacted against it. She chose to pull herself back in and change the way through her fences. It was quite natural for him to back off, at such a time. He thought she needed space and she went all board with it. What made her uneasy, however, was the quick and effortless pace at which he gave up. Just when she had begun to have reservations about opening up, he chose not to ask her. As grateful as she was for the space, she would have thanked him more and better had he simply asked her once why there was a growing distance between them. He chose not to and being who she was, she pulled back in all the more. Eventually, they were at a stage where everyone else around was getting so much more of his time and mind than her that the whole bond between the two brought her more pain and tears than relief and laughter. Then there were the rumors to deal with. When has society and when have people missed an opportunity to tamper with a broken connection? Out of all the things that she was, disloyal was not one of them. So she stood up to defend him everywhere and in front of everyone. She spoke against people when they spoke against him, shut her ears when they tried filling her in with baseless hear-say.  She did everything she could to keep them and when finally it was time to break off ties with him, it was not because of popular word that had started taking rounds, but because she had realized that she could not keep up with this. She could not ask him for what she wanted and he wouldn’t ask. There was no possible way for them to work it out without either one of them bending and deflating their ego. They both knew it was for the best. It was harder for her to keep the relation steady while he was pretending that all was normal. If anything, she had the guts to face reality. He need not hide it away. But it was only later she realized that it was his weakness and his own insecurities that he would avoid confrontation with, in escaping from the truth. It was out in the open. It was laid out as the anticipated and expected. They could not have stretched it any longer. She could not come to terms with something that did not let her breathe within the comfortable confines of who she was and who she wanted to be. It was the right thing to do.

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But on odd days, she would fall weak. On odd days like this one, she would question her decisions, her strength, her abilities and her potential. She knew she would get past it. She knew it didn’t mean anything. But it was an odd day, and on odd days, nothing came to her except the regret of broken relations and subsequent memories. She was missing him on this odd day. She was wondering what her life would have been if she had not asked for that space, but had instead put it in front of him that she needed more of his time and more of him to herself. She was flipping through all the “what-if’s” in her head. While her head would give straight scenarios, the heart would complicate it all. The heart was just a bloody motor, the head was meant to drive.

She let herself be weak because she knew she would get past it. It killed her. She almost fell apart and her eyes ached as they stung with tears that she would keep inside. It was real pain that she experienced on such odd days. But she never stopped believing that this too, shall pass. The trick is, she realized, to have faith in the simple belief that

This too, shall pass.

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