Virginity- The quality or state of being a virgin;undefied purity or chastity; maidenhood. Ever since I transgressed into my teens as a girls especially I was always told to be in my limits, to not cross them any which way and to have control over myself. But what were those limits and who set them up for me, I was never really aware about this. Was having a guy friend being out of my limits? or even having a boyfriend wrong? Did it in anyway indicate that I was not in control of my self? All through my teens like any other girl I roamed about as a confused little woman trying my best to figure out my limits but nobody told me what were those. Not even the people who asked me to be in my limits. Little did I know that they were asking me to control my sexual appetite, my sexual urges that would only grow with age. They were asking me to be a virgin.
But why was it that they were not ready to tell me about it? To talk about it openly? All I knew was that if I stay a virgin till my marriage and keep my sexual needs in control I would be considered a good woman or better I might find myself a place in heaven. I was always told that losing one’s virginity before marriage( a girl’s virginity) was a sin- it was wrong and if you do it you are probably going to hell. Sex was a bad thing and talking or knowing about it was a sign that you are already crossing your limits. Nobody would carefully guide you towards it and all you know is that if you are a virgin woman you are a good woman and if not then you deserve punishment and suffering and hell and what not
This whole idea that families should protect their girls by imposing several nonsensical restrictions on them from losing their virginity just so that she does not by any chance have more than one sexual partners. As a young growing girl you are so confused that you have no idea what is right and what is wrong for you. You make yourself feel guilty for every little thing that you do because in the back of your mind you are probably crossing your limits. Growing up hence becomes the most difficult part of one’s life because the irony is that all those things you were not supposed to do because they were wrong , you are asked to do the same once you grow up because then it makes complete sense. What’s the point? You feel betrayed for not being given true knowledge and an honest opinion and till the time you realize things its too late.
My virginity is in my control- I had this though all through my growing age and I am in no way supposed to let it out of hand and become a bad woman. When my friends told me that they lost their’s at the age of 20 or 23, they all seemed happy for it was with someone they really loved and wanted to be with but I on the other hand this little satisfaction inside that I was still safe. What mattered the most was acceptance, but by whom? The society? Who were they to decide my course of action when I was mature enough to take my own decisions. But I wanted to be a good girl and sex was bad. This mindset I had where this word, even the thought scared me, ” SAFE” was the word I was using for myself. Its not like I wanted to have sex, now I did not wanted to have it ever, even after marriage. If it was sinning before, it was sinning after.
My virginity was supposed to carve my future and not my actions and deeds, this fact disturbed me a lot. As a woman I was supposed to stay in my limits for virginity once gone was gone forever and it better be with my husband and not necessarily someone I love or someone I choose to lose it with. An issue it was and issue it will be for generation to come when the purest form of love is considered as sinning, as a mistake. An unpardonable sin probably. It was only when I grew up that I realized that losing one’s virginity was no sin and anybody doing it when in love was definitely not wrong and not going to hell. Keeping it ‘safe’ till you’re married was a good idea but only if it was your’ and not imposed. There are certain decisions in life that are our own and only we can get to choose the path ahead with our clear judgement and conscience. Virginity is too personal to be relied on the society for. You are not liable for the society’s expectations you are liable for your own.
I realized with time that my virginity was not in my control I was in control of it. I did not protect my virginity, my hovering virginity protected me.